henry rollins looks like he could eat your babies and tear a compact car in half with his bare hands, but underneath that rough exterior lies...well, a rough interior. rollins is great because he isn't afraid to show the world his dark side. his vulnerability is so endearing because it's raw, honest, and because it comes from a man who appears to lift weights with his neck. who would dare mock him? but the fact is, even if rollins weren't a tangible manifestation of unadulterated testosterone, he would probably still write this stuff because that's how he rolls. at least, that's what i like to think. this poem in particular is moving because it reveals his feminist side. and if a man like this can speak openly about relationships and his search for a "real woman," then there's hope for the future.solipsism is one of my favorite words/concepts. it is the idea that anything outside of the mind is not justified; that one's mind is all that exists, and that people shape their perspective, their actions, and their behavior on the worlds created by their minds. many of us live in our "safely solipsized" worlds without ever even knowing it or acknowledging it (those quotes are nabokov's genius words, not mine). i know i sure do. i became obsessed with the concept of solipsism while reading nabokov's lolita, and once i had wrapped my mind around it, i realized that i couldn't avoid it. solipsism is all that is modern and post-modern. think prufrock. think hemingway. hell, just think! it is who we are. solipsism is human nature, the human condition, the blunt, existentialist reality that we struggle against whether or not we realize it. when we do realize it, we can drive ourselves crazy trying to differentiate between reality and solipsism only to come to the conclusion that solipsism is reality - our own unique and indescribable reality that alienates us from one another, making a deeper connection seem impossible. this is that special kind of crazy that makes people stand on street corners armed with a microphone and a speaker, screaming "the end is near!" or "carrots, $1!!!" or perhaps even "she-la-la-la she-la-la-la messiah!!!"(props to edgar for that one)... whatever spreads your cheese. with this in mind, please to enjoy...
Solipsist
Henry Rollins
For a while today, I hated you. I hated you for being so beautiful and real. I hated you for waking up at night to find your arms around me. I hated your honesty and the way you make people relax when you are around them. I hated you for loving me unconditionally. You have called me on years of cheap emotion and cruelty that came from my fears. When you look at me and smile I no longer feel scared or feel the need to run out of the room gasping for air. You don't make me feel like life is a waste of time and that all you get is cold sweating, dark moments in small rooms all over the world, spending time with other desperate characters who are tearing the path across the night skies of desolation.
Could you believe that I didn't know what to do with your slow, warm affection? Could you believe I was scared by your endless giving giving giving? It took me a while to be able to feel welcomed by your strength that never shows off, never brags, but just nourishes and makes time stop. The feeling of hatred passed in the time it takes for an eye to twitch, and I realized that I have to take care of myself because I belong to someone. Someone is thinking of me right now. I never doubt it. I know you will always be there. Yeah, I'm in my room somewhere. It's freezing outside and I am exhausted. Too many things to do. Too many people to answer to all the time. From here I think of you. My body is wracked in pain and I am burning with fever.
A lot of men want a woman to mother them. They get with a woman and all they do is regress to the point where you might think he might not be capable to take care of himself at all. I don't want another mother. I want a woman. I want to rise to the occasion. I want to learn and bask in your glow. I want to protect you and do whatever I can to give you strength. There is no twist to this. I am not about to blow my brains out. You have not cut me up like others have. It's just this. I want to love you with everything in me. I need your help because I don't know anything about it. I am suspicious and ready to leave and hit the cold road for the frozen dawn. I am just going to trust you with everything in me. I see now that it's the only reason to be here. After kissing you, I cannot remember what it was like to kiss any other woman. At this point I am not sure if I ever have.
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